Sometimes, we got tired of looking at Genamin DaMidget’s ugly face and hearing his bogus rantings. At such times, we averted our gaze and looked at other interesting characters in No-Talk Republic, the likes of Hotfoot Coldy and Wawaw Daydate. Such characters added flavor to our mix and often offered what amounted to free entertainment in No-Talk Republic by their curious actions and wayward ways. But above everyone else, we liked to watch the famous Heyhey Nopilen display his legendary skills of speech and choice regarding just what would happen in the future life of our country when Gyant DaMidget grew so old and tired that he would have no option but to fall by the wayside and allow time to march on. Heyhey Nopilen was a learned fellow, no doubt about that. Everyone acknowledged the great depth of his learning and recognized the great facility with which he espoused his various theories and swam in the deep blue sea of knowledge like a fish puffing up the water once in a while, diving this way and that, and often jumping sky high and plunging back in with admirable dexterity. He reminded us of the great whale in Moby Dick as he swam alongside the ship of life and made it known to everyone that he, Heyhey Nopilen, was an invincible guy whose word was gold and whose sight was silver. And we all knew that he was not bluffing because he took all the time he needed to put things straight and chart just the course that the world must follow in order to avoid all future dangers and march on to the great promised land of perfect peace and abiding glory. On to Berlin! he would often shriek, thrusting his fist into the air in the manner of those great orators of history who moved mountains with their words of wisdom and stopped hurricanes with a wave of the hand.
Truth be told, Heyhey Nopilen was a learned fellow of no mean credentials. He held a Bachelor of Tights Degree in Loose Studies from Quarrel University, a Master of Shoves Degree in Pushaside Techniques from Bottleneck University, and a doctorate in Advanced Dislike Erasing Techniques from the world famous University of No Studies. He also held a string of advanced graduate and postgraduate certificates from universities as diverse as Chuut College, the University of Rural Dreamland, and Fahasu Community College. When he got especially motivated in one of his interesting presentations, Heyhey Nopilen wasted no time in outlining all his academic qualifications from these great colleges and universities and reminding his audience that he knew what he was talking about and that he understood his topic more than anyone else in the world, even his former lecturers and professors who introduced him to the world of advanced academia in the first place, not to mention impudent and ignorant upstarts who pretended to be wise. He particularly disliked Genamin Gyant DaMidget and would call him such uncomplimentary names as windbag and empty-barrel-make-more-noise. As far as Heyhey Nopilen was concerned, Second Genamin Gyant DaMidget was nothing but an ignorant elephant on mosquito legs who did not even know where his plastic mouth was located on his wooden face.
Heyhey Nopilen claimed to be an expert in more fields than we can possibly list in a single narrative of this scope and length. He claimed to be an expert in such diverse fields as mooching techniques, the politics of jumping, the principles of pretense, academic recycling, musing dynamics, advanced growling, scientific choosing, air bending, time bending, and future mending among many other subjects. His academic claims were often so overwhelming that we all loudly groaned and cleared our throats in order to hear him more clearly. We begged him to slow down a bit so that we could catch up and not miss a word of the great wisdom he was so generously imparting. But the learned Heyhey Nopilen would pay no heed to our groans and our noisy coughs and would just hurtle straight ahead at hundred miles per hour, leaving some of us slower folks way back as he proceeded furiously forward into the future of knowledge and wisdom.
“I know better than everyone else just what’s best for the world,” he would chirp. “And that’s not just metaphorically speaking. It’s real, it’s real,” he would say, his learned head bobbing on his shoulders like a block of black foam on the high sea of life. “I see with my comet eyes what no ordinary eyes can see. And when I tell you I know what’s best I don’t expect you to question my choice because it’s real, it’s real,” he would add, wearing his metaphorical sober look and letting his cheeks slightly tremble, bubble and burst as a way of showing just how serious he was. “I have been up and down the high wall of knowledge,” he would stress, “and I have dived into the deep sea of human experience. I have encountered sharp-toothed sharks in the ocean of wisdom and I have defeated them all. So if I tell you I know what’s best and who’s best you should listen to me. I don’t like arguing with little folks and I won’t tell you to put your hand into the jaws of danger or to walk down a snaky road. Take my advice and all will be well,” he would loudly muse.
At that point, we all generally loudly groaned again and noisily cleared our throats, hoping that the learned Heyhey Nopilen would slow down just a tiny wee bit and let us take a deep breath and soak it in before he proceeded with his jaw-dropping, brain-shaking exposition. But our learned Nopilen was never one to be stopped by groans or noisy coughs. He would heave a mighty sigh and plunge headlong right into the depths of advanced knowledge while we less endowed folks just held our mouths and loudly wondered just how he knew so much that was so unknowable; how he was so certain of the absolutely uncertain. Some of us thought that Heyhey Nopilen was a loose cannon zooming across the sky of life and bound to land in the thirsty desert of disillusionment.