Greedy Man

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Baba Galleh JallowBy Baba Galleh Jallow

Apart from Bogeyman, Second Genamin Gyant DaMidget alias Mbarass, was also known as Greedy Man. The persistent hunger he suffered as a child now translated itself into an insatiable lust for food. If there was one thing that DaMidget enjoyed more than firing his invisible gun, it was stuffing his increasingly calabash stomach with delicious food. Tales of afra nights soon became legendary in No Talk Republic. It was rumored that when Gyant DaMidget saw food, his throat involuntarily roared and his ears visibly twitched. Food made his nose involuntarily twitch his cheeks quiver like sails in the wind. Food brought involuntary smiles to his hotdog lips and made him involuntarily grunt and say, “hey, do not touch it’s me to first.” He often ate so much that he couldn’t stand and had to remain seated for hours on end loudly belching and occasionally saying it’s good to live. Sometimes, he ate so much that he couldn’t move and had to be carried to his bed by his guards and stooges.

Gyant DaMidget’s insatiable greed went far beyond the meaty bone, the Moodaakeh, the Maafeh Gejja, the Mbahali Pooch Paach, the Kobobu Laka, the Neni Ngunja and the oily bowl. Apart from hunger, he also suffered persistent poverty in his early days, especially when he was private class then acting sergeant for eight long years. That experience coupled with his natural insatiability qualified him for the title of Greedy Man in yet another field. Gyant DaMidget was a financial glutton. He could never take his thoughts off money and never got tired of scheming and plotting on how to get even more millions than were already stacked in his innumerable bank accounts around the world. He was so money greedy that he felt the poor beggars on the streets were taking monies that should rightfully be his. By sitting on the sidewalks and having coins dropped into their begging pots, the beggars were taking monies that should have been in DaMidget’s bank accounts. That explains why he once had all the beggars arrested by the police and charged with the non-existent crime of being a public nuisance. A couple of years later, he moved to criminalize the very act of begging so that the coins dropping into the beggars’ pots would drop instead into his fat personal bank accounts.

Gyant DaMidget was so greedy that the millions of dollars he monthly made from his salary, from kickbacks, from his Arab world bank, and from the public coffers of No-Talk Republic always seemed nothing to him. In order to further supplement his monetary gains, Gyant DaMidget became a baker. Every night he would slip into his baker’s clothes and go into his secret bakery. All night long he would mix and knead that flour and bake that bread. At the break of dawn he would wear his Greedy Man mask and carry large trays of bread into the streets of No-Talk Republic yelling bread for sale, hot bread for sale, the best money can buy! Buy the bread! He also had several helpers who loaded the bread onto their trucks and vans and supplied all parts of No-Talk Republic, thereby driving many smaller bakers out of business. Before sending them out, Gyant DaMidget counted every single loaf of bread and woe betide any helper who came back missing even a single loaf!

DaMidget Bakeries Inc. was only one of Gyant DaMidget’s numerous greedy business interests. He was also a butcher and owned several meat canteens strewn across No-Talk Republic. In order to beat the competition, he sold his meat and slightly lower prices and drove many butchers out of business by imposing unbearable sales taxes on their meat, while his meat paid no taxes at all. During local festivities, Gyant DaMidget brought out his most sickly and skinny sheep and goats and forced his employees to buy them. If they did not have money, they were forced to take the animals on credit and pay him back through arbitrary salary deductions. Even if private vendors sold their animals at lower prices, DaMidget’s employees felt compelled to buy the boss’s animals because failure to do so was considered a sign of jealousy and enmity and accordingly punished by Gyant DaMidget. Chickens were taken out of his vast poultry farm every morning and taken to all the markets for sail.

DaMidget’s greed led him into all kinds of shady business deals with corrupt generals and poison doctors around the world. He dabbled in all kinds of money laundering; illegal trading, smuggling, and selling weapons and poisonous substances that claimed the lives of thousands of young people and devastated thousands of families and societies. While he knew that his activities were creating havoc around the world, Gyant DaMidget did not give a damn. His only concern was to deposit more and more millions into his overfed and ever hungry bank accounts. Even if Gyant DaMidget made a billion dollars a day, he would still hanker for more and more and his mouth would water at the mere idea of earning another penny. Indeed, so greedy for gain was he that he often wished that he would never die. He consulted fetishes, sorcerers and medicine men from far and wide in search of one who could render him immortal, just like the villains he often saw in Hollywood movies. Failing to see any sorcerer who could grant him eternal life, Gyant DaMidget settled for the next best thing: to be the wealthiest man ever to walk this earth and to have the longest life ever in the history of humankind. That was why he never parted with his dead rat, his monkey tail, or the human skull hidden behind his boubou. These objects were supposed to render him invincible and almost omnipotent and omniscient. Gyant DaMidget wanted to be a god and actually felt like telling the whole big wide world that he was in fact an immortal god. That explains why so very often, he would tell his enemies that he would be in power for the next thousand years.

Gyant DaMidget was not only greedy for food and money. He also suffered from a very bad case of political gluttony. His hunger for power was simply beyond the reach of imagination. Growing up at the margins of society and feeling marginalized during his years as private and acting sergeant in the army, Gyant DaMidget now felt as if he would swallow power itself. He was so perpetually power hungry that he drank endless bottles of PowerAde, believing that it would render him not only more physically powerful, but also more politically powerful. Because of his persistent power hunger, Gyant DaMidget systematically usurped the powers of all branches of government and all institutions that fell within the ambit of the state. This he did through a brutal system of hiring and firing that soon made him the sole occupant of not only of the president’s office, but also of all the ministries and departments and divisions of state. Within a few years of his driving Sir Biggerface Bodyfat Joker out of power, Gyant DaMidget became at once the president, the military, the cabinet, the minister of justice, the national assembly, and the very government of No-Talk Republic itself. He was police officer, court clerk, interpreter, magistrate, judge, jury and executioner all at once. He personally handled the prison services and controlled the customs department, making personally sure that he knew every single item of trade that was exported or imported into No-Talk Republic. Each and every single institution of state was brought directly under his personal control and supervision. And while people were still appointed to man these various institutions, they were there merely to receive and execute the orders of Second Gyant DaMidget. No minister, no MP, no secretary, no clerk, no soldier, no director, no manager or any other government official dared to say or do anything without DaMidget’s personal approval. All ministers or officials who dared to raise an eyebrow, make a contrary suggestion, or disagree in the slightest with Gyant DaMidget was immediately fired, arrested, killed, or made to disappear. Thus in no time, No-Talk Republic was turned into a one-man country and in very real terms. Only he could fire his invisible guns and do the boogie woogie and the hurley burley. Everyone else was condemned to a great silence whose deafening echoes reverberated around the peaks of the highest mountains of the world.

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